Kitchen

She and Jean always ended up in the kitchen at the same time. For her it was after a nightmare. For Jean, after sex.

The first time had been the night following the day she'd broken up with Bobby. She'd told Jean it was because there wasn't much there. And there wasn't. It was more comfortable, and she did like the ease, but there wasn't the spark that Jean and Scott had. Their eyes never met and caught. Her breath never seemed to stop like Jean's did when Scott looked at her a certain way. But that could have been because Bobby never looked at her like that.

She knew Jean thought it was because she thought she was in love with Logan.

She knew it was because Bobby liked to touch her. It hadn't been obvious at first. He'd been properly cautious, taking care when his hands slid under her skirt, but something had changed, and he'd begun to enjoy the shock of the draw. He began to hold on longer.

Rogue couldn't be a murderer. It was hard enough sometimes to keep that part of Logan separate from herself. She wouldn't let Bobby turn her into one, even if he didn't mean to.

They didn't talk often. Usually they sat quietly. Rogue would sip her hot chocolate, and Jean would make herself a sandwich. When they didn't talk, Rogue wondered what it was like for Jean, having sex with Scott. She wondered what she thought, how it felt, what Scott did. She wondered if Scott kept his glasses on, if he worried about hurting Jean, if sometimes, when he did have his glasses off, if maybe he wanted, just for an instant, to open his eyes. She wondered how that made him feel. She wondered if Jean knew. She wondered how that would make Jean feel.

She wondered if Jean thought of Logan sometimes.

She wondered if it wasn't Scott she was coming downstairs from.

Sometimes, she hoped it wasn't.

END



Author's Notes: My thoughts in trying to figure out what this fic meant:

I've read this three times now, and I can't figure out what it's supposed to mean. I see parallels between the different characters, between Rogue and Scott, between Jean and Bobby, and for some reason, between Rogue and Jean. I can't out and out say which parallels I draw for what characters, but it's there anyway.

Reading it again, I think I can parallel Logan's attraction to Jean and Bobby's to Rogue.

Rogue and Scott is obvious: The deadly, uncontrollable mutation. The desire to hurt someone they love. The consequences of feeling that desire even if they never act on it. That last isn't directly said; it's in Rogue's curiosity.

Jean and Bobby: I'm not sure on this one. Maybe it's the fact that they are both in a relationship where the one they're with is dangerous. Where what they want can cause damage to themselves if there's an accident. I think this parallel only works when directly linked to the Rogue/Scott one.

Rogue and Jean: Suddenly, really thinking about it, it's not the Rogue/Jean one that's hard to pin down, but the Jean/Bobby one. The Rogue/Jean parallel is the fact that they both want something that's dangerous, to themselves and to those around them.

Jean wants Logan. She wants him even though to go to him would be devastating. For herself because it means she would, no doubt, be violating part of her sense of self. She's not really the kind of woman to cheat on her significant other, and to do so, to want to do so, hurts her as much as it hurts Scott.

Rogue wants to touch. She wants to touch, and she doesn't want to have to pull away. It's obvious why this is dangerous. She has someone who isn't her in her head, and they end up dead. She has to deal with her guilt and the fact that she got what she wanted, and maybe that she liked it.

And what's scary here is that what they want isn't totally unacceptable to the recipiants of that want. Logan would take Jean. Bobby would let Rogue touch him.

I've hit it. This is what it's about, the Rogue/Jean parallel. It's what this story is trying to say. And the last line-- Sometimes, she hoped it wasn't.-- shows that Rogue wants it to be okay, wants it to be okay to want what she does, okay to do what she wants, okay to simply feel that way. If Jean's desires are okay, if she acts upon them, then it's okay for Rogue. That's what it is.

The last parallel, just to complete my thoughts:

Logan:Jean::Bobby:Rogue's Touch--What both men want is something they can't have. It's dangerous and provacative. There's a need in it. Maybe it's safe for them to want these things because they won't get them. And if they do, there's the hurt. I think, true to canon, Logan would feed off the hurt. True to this story but not neccessarily canon, Bobby would too. They win both ways.